But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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