I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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