apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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