Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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