he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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