I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
