She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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