My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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