Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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