There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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