Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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