3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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