I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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