I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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