I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
