You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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