saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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