She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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