I can tuck mytits in my pants
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
