Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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