How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
