Will you blow on my dice?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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