Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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