I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
