chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
