I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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