He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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