My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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