I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You were trust falling into bushes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
