I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
