My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize