3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
