she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
