and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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