Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
