Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
