Screwed.edu
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
