atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
