Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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