I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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