So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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