Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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