He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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