hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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