I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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