My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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