i need an iv and a liver transplant
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
