How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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