Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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