: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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