MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize