matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Pants are for mortals
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
