you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
