in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
