saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
