I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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