if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
