I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
