A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
