I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
