I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
