Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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