my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize