Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
