He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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