do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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