.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
