Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
