Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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